I hope you’re expecting something spectacular….

Cuz you’re not gonna get it.

As you might’ve seen last week, my fellow blogger-in-crime Reymundo Segundo Telemundo (pictured above) popped off @ the mouse, and understandably so. After all….I haven’t posted in two months. What can I say? I’ve been busy tryna earn my Bachelor’s at the “Long Island School for Kids Who Wanna Grow Up To Make Long Islands Good.”

Online classes of course.

So anyway, since by the time I actually sat down to write this I developed a wacktastical case of writer’s block, here’s what has been on my mind as of late:

Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop” Song:

I was at the club a couple weekends ago and after all of the usual instructional dance songs came on (I didn’t know whether to snap, jump, two-step, or do a handstand — shit gets confusing) I heard this joint for the first time. Can’t front….I liked it. I immediately attributed this to the numerous alcoholic drinks I had been consuming and brushed it off. I woke up early the next morning (thanks to my good friend) and found myself humming the lyrics to that shit all day. Even though this ninja lost his mind, it’s a dope little track. If I would’ve invested in “Autotune” technology, I’d be a rich knee grow right now.

Absolutely no homo.

Killer Plastic Bottles:

I was watching the news the other day (apparently they’re bringing up relevant shit now) and as it turns out, plastic bottles will eventually develop human characteristics, become supremely intelligent, and kill us all one day.

At least that’s what Fox News reported.

I seriously thought about how many other toxified things we breathe in, touch, or keep our food in, and I guess since we’ve already fucked up the planet by over-consuming and overusing our resources that we’re all doomed anyway, and it ain’t that serious.

Milk and Wheaties:

Seriously…what the fuck are you feeding these college bitches?? How is it even possible to have a really fat ass, huge titties, and a ridiculously slim waist? Is there some kind of Tae Bo involved? Lemme find out these chicks been sippin’ on Grande White Chocolate HGH Mochas.

I’m finna lose my mind.

Republicans Are Going To Win The White House:

While Barak Obama defends his comments about hillybillies, and Hillary tells old war stories from her time served in ‘nam, John McCain is having the Best Week Ever.

And Barak….as far as all this “change” you’ve been talking about….you need more Will.I.Ams.

Popeye’s Chicken is the DEVIL:

My Lawd. I need an intervention. Life on the go has forced me to repeatedly turn to the Knee Grow Shrine known as Popeye’s Chicken for food intake. I don’t even wanna know what they put in that stuff…..hopefully it’s only crack.

I’m Bored With Music:

I’m outta the loop ya’ll. If there is some new underground shit I should be hearing, feel free to bless my email: phuquedaworld at gmail dot com.

Oh Yeah…

To all of you dumb ninjas who like to stand around at the club and look at women on the dance floor: at least learn how to two-step. I believe there’s even a song about it. Do you realize how stupid you look ice grillin’ the two cats on the dance floor that are dancing with all of the women? How can you be upset about that? That’s what I like to call a mild case of “bitch assness“. I mean it’s one thing if it’s their fault you’re too shy to ask Shaniqua to dance. Who knows? You might even get lucky and she’ll be down for McDevil’s and a Redbox movie.

Call It Reynolds, Cuz This Post Has a Big-ass Head.

I’m about to get into some Popeye’s homework. Oh, and a special shout-out to Mr. Coldplayreggaetonslasher and our own Tyrone Biggums — your mothers smell like Hillary Clinton’s jock strap.

*cues The Rock’s theme music*