Tomorrow is another corporate holiday that reminds us to buy stuff for the person you love, even though you probably just did that shit two months ago. As you can probably tell I’m kind of against this concept. Flowers and candy are not Hip-Hop. But if one of your baby mamas is lookin’ at you sideways right now, then Phuque aka Mick Swagger aka Alumnah’s Maurice Garland can help all you broke ninjas out with a couple of helpful last-minute tips on what to do for your loved one when you just put something on the cable bill.

Peep game:

- If you live in a fucked up neighborhood, catch the bus to a nicer one. Find a home with a nice lawn/garden. Walk up to the door and offer your services as a “landscape architect” available for consultation. If the response you receive is “Well thats just great! I’ve been looking to get some Petunias planted in back!”, then you’re in there like chin hair. Follow this person to their backyard, tell them your throat is “a little parched” and you could use some lemonade (don’t ask for Kool-Aid).

When this person goes back into the house — BAMM!!! Roses.

- Head to the grocery store (make sure it’s on the same bus route). Chill in the front of that bitch until you spot a nice old lady (handicapped spot = good). Pull up your G-Unit pants and offer to help her shop for her groceries. When she ain’t lookin’….

Candy? Check.

Valentine’s Day card? Check.

Ink pen? Check.

Totinos Red Baron pizza? Check.

If you have time — help her take her bags to the car. It’s the least you can do. Oh — and grab a damn job application from the grocery store. Fill it out on the bus.

- Next, its off to the homie’s house….you know….the one with the good-ass job. Show him the job application, and tell him that “this could be the biggest thing that ever happened to you career-wise” and ask him to borrow his dress shirt & tie. Voila Walah.

(By the way — if you don’t fuck his shirt up with Taco Bell stains, he MIGHT let you use it again when you actually apply at Food Lion as a “Grocery Cart Retrieval Supervisor.”)

Now you’ve got roses, candy, a card, and you’re dressed to impress (nun). What next? Maybe a movie?

Nah…

Lost is on Thursdays.