(We join Nasir Jones in the middle of an interview w/ Bill O’Reilly discussing his controversial album title, “Nigger”)

Bill O’Reilly: “Welcome back to “The Factor”. I’m joined via satellite by the man whose album title is causing a stir among the Hip-hop community as well as us normal people….Mr. Nazzeer Jones. Thanks for coming.”

Nas (looking up from reading an Encyclopedia): “That’s NASIR, and thanks for having me. Blessings unto you and your peoples.”

Bill: “Yeah….Ah Salami Linkum, home skittle. Let’s talk a little more about this nigger’s album…”

Nas: “Um…I’m sure you mean this “NIGGER” album, right?”

Bill (straight face): “Thats what I said. Anyway it seems as though you’re a pretty smart guy, and I’m sure there’s a reasoning behind this whole “Nigger” thing. Would you mind explaining?”

Nas: “Well first of all I wanna talk about –”

Bill (covering mouth): “*cough*PUBLICITY STUNT*cough*”

Nas (pausing): “You okay, B?”

Bill: “Going back to your performance at Virginia Tech a couple months back - do you think that an artist that writes such songs as (looks @ paper) “Made You Look”, “Got Yourself A Gun”, and “Ether” deserves to perform at a school that had such a tragedy oocur?”

Nas (puts Encyclopedia down, picks up Thesaurus): “Most definitely. I write about what I see everyday. There are definitely other songs in my catalog too. You’re forgetting about songs like –”

Bill: “What does “Godson across the belly” actually mean, Nazz?”

Nas (sighs): “That’s not what we’re here to discuss, Bill.”

Bill (looks @ paper again): “How much does your “shorty” owe you for this “ice”? And what exactly are you implying when you say she “owes” you?”

Nas (puts down Thesaurus, picks up “Where’s Waldo” book): “Look, Bill…I’m just here to discuss the reasoning behind my current album title. Thats it. There are many meaningful songs on “Nigger”, such as “Fear of a Black Man’s D***”. That song is a powerful example of the material I plan on speaking about on this album.”

Bill: “So did Jay-Z really leave a condom on your baby’s mother’s carsea — wait — what did you just say?”

Nas: “That’s just one of the many informative songs I plan on releasing about the barbaric castrations that happened in our past. Word.”

Bill: “Well I’m…I’m shocked! I truly….can’t….believe it. First this “Nigger” nonsense…then African penises — ”

Nas: “I’d appreciate it if you stopped using that word, yo. That’s ours. We own it.”

Bill: “You kiddin’ me? Nazz I can say “penis” whenever I please…”

Nas: “I meant the other word.”

Bill: “Vagina?”

Nas (sighs): “This is going nowhere, yo…”

Bill: “Back to my question. Awhile back you surprisingly became best friends with a former (looks @ paper) “lyrical adversary” of yours, Jay-Z. How did it feel to win the battle, but subsequently lose the war?”

Nas (puts down “Where’s Waldo” book, picks up Playboy Magazine, begins reading in braille): “Yo I ain’t lose s***, B. We all gettin’ paper. I just released my Greatest Hits album….life is good right now.”

Bill: “Well I’m sure the world definitely can’t wait to hear your next album, nigger…”

Nas: “I don’t appreciate the constant disrespect, yo…”

(In the background you can hear pots & pans banging together, followed by high pitched screams)

Bill: “You babysitting today, Nazz?”

Nas: “No…Kelis is working on her new album in the basement.”

(goat noises)

Bill (sarcastically): “Great. Really cool Nazz. Cannnn’t wait for that one. How do you feel about the negative criticism you’re receiving from people like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson?”

Nas: “Yo I don’t appreciate it at all. They might as well be callin’ me a “nigger”. They don’t understand the movement.”

Bill: “The movement?”

Nas: “Yeah.”

Bill: “The “Nigger” movement?”

Nas: “Yeah — no…well…”

Bill: “So you’re saying that they’re calling you a nigger, for calling your album “Nigger?”

(Car alarm goes off in background)

Nas: “Baby…can you turn that song down please? No I’m not saying that. Those are two very intelligent brothers.”

Bill: “My last question — what point are you trying to make with this album title?”

Nas: “I’m just trying to get America’s attention and be as informative as possible to what we as African-Americans go through on an everyday basis.”

Bill: “Nazz….c’mon buddy. We’re not buying it. Anyone with half a brain knows that if you name your album after a racial slur — someone’s going to get upset. And…”

(pulls out sheet of paper)

Bill: “We’ve also received this fax from one of our insiders @ the Def Jam offices.”

Nas: “What’s that, yo?”

Bill: “Kanye’s marketing budget.”

Nas: “Wooooord?”

Bill: “Word. Y’see Nazz, we here @ the O’Reilly Factor like to keep dirt on…on you people, so that when the time comes — we can call in a “favor” or two.”

Nas: “But that…..that’s sexual harrasment!”

*blank stare*

Bill: “What exactly are you reading in those books, Nazz?”

(Nas pulls out phone, text messages Jay, receives message back that reads:)

To: Nas

From: Your Boss

Message: I know…Im watching the show w/ B right now. Crazy, right? lol…

Nas (getting angry): “This is….this is CRAZY, yo!”

Bill: “It says here that Kanye’s marketing budget for his third album “Graduation” was approximately $8342904765938.52. That wouldn’t leave much money to promote “Nigger” now, would it?”

Nas: “YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!!!”

Bill: “Therefore, in order for your album to gain and maintain any “buzz”, you’d have to devise a different plan, right? One that would GUARANTEE controversy, right?? Well we see right through ya, Judas.”

(Nas disconnects his earpiece, storms off, receives text message from Jay)

To: Nas

From: Your Boss

Message: Godson across the belly